Out of sync

I’ve been going through some stuff. I know, it’s been a tremendous amount of time, but there have been more pressing priorities to focus on for now, like finding a job. However tonight I am feeling a bit defeated. The last I wrote, I said I was done, and I am for the most part, except for my heart. My heart can’t just shut off anymore. I care for “that guy” and there is nothing that can change that right now. We had an honest exchange of words, and again, it’s just not the right time…for him. As always. Per usual, my life as a movie is running out of sync with the audio track. Like when you watch a movie and the mouths are moving but the words are off. It’s the story of my life and I shouldn’t be surprised. Just this one time I thought maybe I found something special and that it might, by some miracle, work out in to be something great. No such luck. As you have read and I am sure as you know, luck isn’t my forte. “That guy” wont escape my thoughts, heart, and mind for a long while, but I can’t do anything more. I’ve told him how I felt, he told me it’s the wrong time, and that is all I can do. So when I go out, I don’t have any intention of meeting anyone, and really don’t look at anyone like “ooooh blah blah blah”.

However a few weeks ago, I did meet a man that made me look twice. This of course peaked my interest, because, hail!, someone made me interested? He is super cute, smart, funny, incredibly tall, and seems to be a good guy. The problem is, we have not seen each other out of the environment in which we met. I do have to say he did say he would visit me at one of my jobs, and totally did. I have heard this line 1000 times. And all 999 times, it was a lie. But, this time it was the truth…however, he hasn’t asked me to hang out, go out, or anything. I don’t know what he is waiting for. He seems to like me and he made me look at a time that I didn’t think I could look at anyone else. I only know that he was in a relationship that was pretty serious and just only like 6 months ago ended it. I can understand the hesitation to date. Only time will tell, but I don’t want to sit here with another person for a year before nothing happens, just like “that guy”. I almost feel guilty for saying this, but I rather like this new “tall drink”. I feel guilty because of my feelings for “that guy”.

So, tonight, I am at the spot…where I met both of them. “That guy” never comes here anymore, or rarely, so I never expect to run into him, however “tall drink” has been here on the same day I have for the past several weeks. So here I sit in that place just writing and job searching, and who walks in? “That guy”. OMG. I haven’t seen him in a couple months and man; I didn’t know what to do. We talked briefly, and he had somewhere else to go, but it was nice to see him. I miss him, yes. But again, there is nothing I am able to do. And as I write, I continue to hope that “tall drink” walks in.

That is my dilemma. My guilt for wanting to see someone else, even though “that guy” has no “claim” on me is kind of affecting me. I know it shouldn’t but it does. I feel tested and I don’t like it. At this point I don’t know what to do. I guess I will do nothing, what else? There is nothing else for me to do but continue to wait for someone who feels I am worth it, regardless of how many more years or broken hearts that will take.