Fragile--This side up

Damn the rollercoaster of my emotions lately. I am trying to put everything into perspective and not over-analyze and just take things as they come. As much as I say “I’m totally not like a girl”, I totally am in so many ways. In the self-deprecating way, the insecure way, and the unsure way. It totally sucks. Since my last “deep” post, I’ve done a bunch more soul searching, and I can’t figure out what is up or down. One moment, I think I totally know my answer and in the very next moment something happens where I am proven wrong by something telling me to calm my ass down and that what I probably think to be true (which is the worst) is not true and to seriously think about what my inner voice is saying for one goddamn minute. Your inner voice can be your worst enemy by the way.

I try to write as these emotions come, as to document this ride, but sometimes, it’s just too overwhelming and I can’t, so I have to recant after the fact many times. I really need to work on my inner-editor also. This is a document of my emotional process as much as a vent or a rant. Some of you may not understand why I put my emotions on blast like I do, but you don’t need to. It’s just what I need to do for myself.

Yes, my rollercoaster of emotions has everything to do with “that guy”. As I’ve yakked your ear off in many other posts, this is all new for me. This vulnerability of leaving myself open to hurt is messing with my head, my heart, my confidence, and my inner voice. It effin sucks. I honestly don’t remember the last time I let myself be open to hurt and total heartbreak. This is a learning experience as well as a joyful and painful (at times) journey. Painful, not because “that guy” is being hateful or mean, but painful because of the courage it is taking me to stay open, remain patient, and not fall into my old patterns of getting pissed off and banging my head against that huge wall that usually is there to protect me. However hard this process is for me, at least I know I can feel emotions for a man again; that I am not entirely cynical and damaged. For whatever reason this man is worth all the time this has been going on and all the ups and downs in my emotions. Or maybe he is here to teach me how to overcome this very big flaw of mine. This I don’t know, but I enjoy him regardless. I hope in the end of all this, I come out stronger and better, and not more broken and bitter.