Ghosts of boyfriends past.

I had an interesting chat with a friend the other night. I needed some venting time and to just talk out some things I had been mulling over for some time. You see, even though I know things with “that guy” that I’ve talked about in several previous posts, will go nowhere, for some reason when I see him; I still get all goofy about him. I needed to talk it out and by actually doing this with a live human being for once I opened up a large can of worms that I never realized resided in my brain.

See, “that guy” is my friend. A nice guy but not someone where I feel I will get any ‘depth’ out of nor a relationship. I’ve realized that a long time ago and am fine with this. My confusion lies in the question: why do I continue to gravitate towards him when we spend time together or I run into him while out on the town? My realization in fact, has nothing to do with this one particular man. It has everything to do with every particular man I have ever gravitated towards.

My friend suggested that I should look to my past for answers. Map out, if you will, all of my past relationships, short and long, and see if there are any similarities and what they could mean for my future. This suggestion hit me suddenly and powerfully. An explosion of fireworks (not a mere light bulb) went off above my head. Holy Hell, I think I understand. As quickly as she said those words I realized that every single one of my relationships with men has had no substance. There was no meat with the potatoes. There was nothing on a deep level. At all.

My longest relationship, my high school and college relationship-- turned psycho ex boyfriend, probably has a lot to do with it, although at this time, I don’t know what that is. But every relationship after him has been an empty shell of a relationship. The man I dated immediately after him, rebound some may say, was this way. This Colombian man spoke virtually no English. How could I learn anything about him other than what he could tell me in basic English and what I could understand in intermediate Spanish?

After the Colombian, I dated another guy for a bit who turned out to have a double life frequenting female escorts and had a secretive ex-girlfriend who was having or had just had his baby. Don’t ask me to tell you how I know these things because he didn’t tell me. I just happened to find out. We even went away for the weekend (before I was introduced to his secret lives) to see his favorite college football team play their home opener and we barely spoke to each other on this trip.

After him, my next boyfriend was good on the surface but he wouldn’t let me into his life of who he was. We saw each other a lot, we talked a lot, and it seemed great…on the surface. With just a small scratch of the fingernail, you’d see that he didn’t know anything about my family, I didn’t know much about his, except they live in Texas, and we never had a deep and meaningful conversation about our lives, how we grew up, our fears and our dreams. After this relationship, every other was eerily similar. And it goes on and on and on. The same story, different guy…each time.

Most recently, I suppose I understand now, the similarities in all these relationships; and your smart…you can see how much they all mirror each other. This is what hit me like a ton of bricks. Holy shit, I choose men who don’t want to or won’t open up to me and therefore I don’t open up to them. It could be the other way around, but for now, I’m going with this theory. My reasoning and thinking is “I don’t want to pry, so I won’t ask too many questions and press them”. In reality, a solid meaningful relationship constitutes having these ‘deeper’ conversations to understand and know one another. A real relationship will consist of these normal conversations you have with your mate. Not just surface conversation. What I want is someone who wants to know my dreams, my fears, and my family, what I am doing when I am not doing anything. The code that I haven’t yet cracked is why I am attracted to those that don’t care about those things. I am thankful “that guy” came into my life. I believe this may be the reason he has, and for that I will be forever thankful—as long as I can change the path that I have been traveling for so long. I’m obviously not close to having all the answers, but I promise myself I am doing some hearty soul searching. Stay tuned. I suspect other discoveries will be unearthed from inside this temple.