Toss This

Singleton

n.
Games. A playing card that is the only one of its suit in a player's hand.

A) An individual separated or distinguished from two or more of its group.
B) An offspring born alone.

This is the definition of Singleton. I belong to subcategory A. This word famed by Bridget Jones has hit home with me since the first time I read her Diaries. (And yes, I've read them more than one time; she is me, minus the Mark Darcy).

This weekend I am attending a wedding out of town. I am thoroughly excited about the nuptials, as it is one of my closest friends in the world. Almost all of my closest friends will be there...with their husbands/boyfriends. This is not the issue. These types of events normally stir some sort of anxiety in me. Like Jennifer Aniston in the movie "Picture Perfect" where she attends her friend’s wedding and is the only single female, which leads her to be the only lassie on the floor during the tossing of the bouquet. Extremely embarrassing. When this part of the wedding happens, I normally hole myself up at the bar, in a carefully executed plan of ordering a drink with a lengthily description so that I look "too busy to participate" in the catching of the dreaded bouquet with the group of elementary school girls and the one or two (if that) other singleton women. This, by the way, never works. They find you and hunt you down and the DJ screams your name through the mic. I'm pretty sure that one streak of a year when I attended 4 weddings and caught the bouquet EVERY time, is the jinxes of marriage rather than 'your next!'.

I am incredibly proud of my friend for eliminating this dog and pony show from her reception. There will be no opportunity to feel mortified, anxious, or ridiculous, if by chance I were to catch the bouquet, while trying desperately to dodge it, and have to go through the horrendous spectacle of the garter catcher trying to put that thing up my thick thigh while they play that song they used in Twix commercials. Yea, you know that part. Thank you my friend.

I am also proud to say that I helped her with her music list. If the DJ plays even half the songs we picked, the dance floor will be jammed! None of that krunk crap for us! No Solja Boy, no stripper songs, no hustle. Phew!

So, with that being said, not having to feel anxiety, mortification, or flowers hitting me in the noggin, I will feel sexy, hot, and have an extremely good time, and feel I will actually be able to be myself at a wedding for a change. I'll post you after the wedding with little tales of the weekend, and what may come about. Hey, I might even be on the prowl for singleton men! Hopefully this time the photographer doesnt mistake me for two teenage girl's mother. Yikes!

Congratulations Vera and Daniel! I love you both more than you will know!

Let's Just Not Give a F&%k

(Disclaimer: Video contains adult language and profanity)

If you’re wondering where I've been, I'm in a terrible mood. I'm at a crossroads that I'm scared won’t lead me anywhere whichever way I turn. It's pretty bad. I'm not going to subject you to the details of why it is that I am in a horrible mood and why I drown my problems in fast food. I'm just not getting into it. Those of you that know me, know what’s up and that’s all I need right now.

What I do want is to do this for a while: I mean, life would be so much easier....

See more Jon Lajoie videos at Funny or Die

Kids in the Hall

This topic may come up a few times, because as I am going through some old boxes of treats that were hidden in my closet, I keep coming across hilarious things from my youth. It's so funny that at the time the pictures were taken, or the note was written, how serious we were. Now reading it many many years later, I find myself A. Laughing, and B. becoming nostalgic of my youth.

I just came across a little book. I went to Lake Shore High School through my 9th grade year. My family was moving to Clinton Township, and I'd be going to Chippewa Valley High School. If you know what either of those schools are, you can understand I went from Trailer school to Mansion school. I.E. Little school to huge school. I grew up with the people of Lake Shore, and I knew everyone. For some reason we wouldn't receive our yearbooks before it was time for me to leave, so being the sentimental person I am, I got a little journal, and made most everyone sign it as if it were a yearbook. I am still in contact with some of these people today (Thank you Myspace) and I must share some of the well wishes of 9th graders with you. We thought we were so old, but it still might qualify for "Kids Say the Darnedest Things".


I'm happy to note that no, I was not stuck up, and this person is correct. Good note, Scott B!


I will let you know, that yes, I believe I broke Mike L's ladder to his pool. I was mortified. Mike, whose pool this was used to call me thunder thighs, so I was incredibly self conscious around him. Then, THEN I break the ladder? Mind you it wasn't on correctly and it just happened to break when I stepped on it of course, so I didn't live that down for a while. And I'd hung out with Brian, writer of note, after H.S. cuz he was Friends with my boyfriend’s brother. Joy.


Thanks for being to the point, Andy. I remember I used to harass you and ask you the strangest questions, only because I knew it bothered you. Plus I'm pretty sure I had a mad crush on you because you were older and I didn't grow up with you.


I wonder if Ian ever went into local politics. He seemed awfully up and up on the stuff going on in the district at the time. Senator Ian, where are you now? Oh, and who the hell is Matt? I have no clue!


Ok, so this girl NEVER liked me. I know this. I actually just ran into her the other month and it was the same ol' weirdness with her. Either way, oh well she lives in another state now.

And lastly, for now: This was the last note in the book. It is from my neighbor Tiffany who passed away and I wrote about HERE. I don't even know what to say, but thank you, that I found this.


Funny what we find lying around.
There are so many more entries that may deserve their own post, but I thought I'd give a sampling for now. Nice reminiscing' with ya!

Rant du Jour~~~Bona Fide Fed Up

I really sometimes wonder what is wrong with men. I mean really. I really am not trying to man bash, I am honestly asking. I basically only have one other friend who is single, and we are both having just the absolute worst luck you could probably ever imagine in our dating lives. She just got stood up, the man I just met never bothered to call; another won’t make the effort to even ask. So what gives? I've actually been trying lately to 'get myself out there', at the advice of some friends, and I come up with nada, or been there done that.

Some people have suggested some things:
Online dating: I have done this to the hilt, as I've mentioned before it is way too much of a pain in the ass to get any outcome from it. It also costs your first born child (a lot of money).
Join an Activity: Yes, good idea, except the activities I like to do, gay men like to do. And, activities cost money (did I mention that I am rather broke at the moment?)
Play a Sport: Um no. I don’t do sports and I am not about to pretend I am sporty or outdoorsy to hook some dude.
Go to church and church events: I refuse to misrepresent myself to some poor Christian guy in the hopes he found the gal of his dreams only to be shattered by the fact that I do not go to church, nor do I ever want to and I had just happened to find myself in a church function trolling for dates.
Have a friend set you up with a friend or their guy’s friend: Ah yes, the old tale of meeting your mate through your friend’s husband. I have no friends who have really ever offered this. One being because they have no single male friends, or second being, they would not want to set me up with those ‘losers’.

I'd like to ask the creator of beings what I could have possibly done in a past life to have such awful luck bestowed upon me. I really would like to have some company, be taken out on a date (a date doesn’t mean an expensive dinner either), and how about an actual call from a man who asks for my number? And really, people, I am damn tired of hearing 'oh he is probably just scared'. Really? Can you be THAT scared? You already spoke to me, or her, or that lady over there, what could be so scary about dialing the phone and asking me, her, that lady over there, out for a drink?

Now, after that little rant and digression, I pose the question to my readers. Perhaps one of you has a fabulous idea on how/where to meet men. I'd like to hear them. But, please do spare me the romantic tale of how you met your wonderful mate, and the 'keep your chin up's' as I’m not in the mood for fluff, I'm only in the mood for hard facts.

Of course the fact still remains that I do not NEED a man, but I am after all, a bona fide woman, and feel depleted sometimes. Don’t be too hard on me.

Barackin' in the USA

On Labor Day I had the chance to go to the Barack Obama rally downtown at Hart Plaza. Not being very political, I've never been to any sort of political speech or rally or anything. This time around as we all know, is pretty exciting on all counts. On Monday morning, with hardly any sleep, I got up early and hopped in the car with my brother and his girlfriend, and headed downtown. When we got there, the line was already wrapped around both sides of Jefferson and ended up wrapping around the block and doubling back. It was nuts. Here is just a vauge sample:

Even though we stood in line for hours, and baked in the hot sun, I got more excited when the line started moving and we got into Hart Plaza. It was like a ton of people baking in an oven, and if you know me, you know I do NOT do good with being crowded for a long period of time. But I held on, knowing that it would be so exciting. And it was. The crowd was absolulty wonderful. Everyone was polite and just happy to be there. When Obama finally got to the stage, which I'm sure you'd seen on local news, he did only speak for about 10 minutes. The down part was that the mic was not on loud enough and I couldnt hear him let alone see him (I am very short). What I did hear was his singing an Aretha Franklin song "Chain of Fools"(which I'm sure you also saw on the news) and we all cheered! What I saw, was nothing, but what my camera captured by me standing on my tippiest of tip toes and plunging the camera as high in the air as I could was this:

Yay! I got his picture! It was short, the hours waiting hot and long, but it was so worth it to actually be a part of history. And this is history weather he wins or looses, or whomever you support. I felt rather patriotic. I also came home and was inspired to do research on both candidates (which I hardly ever do) and learned some things. I learned what GOP is. I never knew, and it actually stands for the Republican Party and the letters stand for 'Grand ol' Party'. Oh, how very confederate of them. I learned that Barack and I share the same Birthday, also.

I did learn more than just those tidbits. It was exciting and I'm glad I went. I am ready for some Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes.