Out of sync

I’ve been going through some stuff. I know, it’s been a tremendous amount of time, but there have been more pressing priorities to focus on for now, like finding a job. However tonight I am feeling a bit defeated. The last I wrote, I said I was done, and I am for the most part, except for my heart. My heart can’t just shut off anymore. I care for “that guy” and there is nothing that can change that right now. We had an honest exchange of words, and again, it’s just not the right time…for him. As always. Per usual, my life as a movie is running out of sync with the audio track. Like when you watch a movie and the mouths are moving but the words are off. It’s the story of my life and I shouldn’t be surprised. Just this one time I thought maybe I found something special and that it might, by some miracle, work out in to be something great. No such luck. As you have read and I am sure as you know, luck isn’t my forte. “That guy” wont escape my thoughts, heart, and mind for a long while, but I can’t do anything more. I’ve told him how I felt, he told me it’s the wrong time, and that is all I can do. So when I go out, I don’t have any intention of meeting anyone, and really don’t look at anyone like “ooooh blah blah blah”.

However a few weeks ago, I did meet a man that made me look twice. This of course peaked my interest, because, hail!, someone made me interested? He is super cute, smart, funny, incredibly tall, and seems to be a good guy. The problem is, we have not seen each other out of the environment in which we met. I do have to say he did say he would visit me at one of my jobs, and totally did. I have heard this line 1000 times. And all 999 times, it was a lie. But, this time it was the truth…however, he hasn’t asked me to hang out, go out, or anything. I don’t know what he is waiting for. He seems to like me and he made me look at a time that I didn’t think I could look at anyone else. I only know that he was in a relationship that was pretty serious and just only like 6 months ago ended it. I can understand the hesitation to date. Only time will tell, but I don’t want to sit here with another person for a year before nothing happens, just like “that guy”. I almost feel guilty for saying this, but I rather like this new “tall drink”. I feel guilty because of my feelings for “that guy”.

So, tonight, I am at the spot…where I met both of them. “That guy” never comes here anymore, or rarely, so I never expect to run into him, however “tall drink” has been here on the same day I have for the past several weeks. So here I sit in that place just writing and job searching, and who walks in? “That guy”. OMG. I haven’t seen him in a couple months and man; I didn’t know what to do. We talked briefly, and he had somewhere else to go, but it was nice to see him. I miss him, yes. But again, there is nothing I am able to do. And as I write, I continue to hope that “tall drink” walks in.

That is my dilemma. My guilt for wanting to see someone else, even though “that guy” has no “claim” on me is kind of affecting me. I know it shouldn’t but it does. I feel tested and I don’t like it. At this point I don’t know what to do. I guess I will do nothing, what else? There is nothing else for me to do but continue to wait for someone who feels I am worth it, regardless of how many more years or broken hearts that will take.

Silence is usually loud and clear

I’m done. I’ve had it. Finite! My venture of putting myself out there and remaining open and vulnerable has left me with rejection, again. So be it. I did what I did. I don’t necessarily regret it but damn, do I feel stupid. It’s the truth. I know, blah blah, you’ll find someone, blah blah, you must remain open to love, blah blah BLAH! Frankly, I’m tired of hearing that crap, regardless of the intention behind the sentiment. I’m quite tired of all the “oh I’m so in love” Facebook status updates, and I am sick to death of having hope for a “great love”. It’s exhausting and I want it to take a rest.

There is only so much one person can do and absorb before you step back and have enough. I was quite clear in my openness and the lack of reciprocation I received was enough to give me the hint. It happens, I know, and now it’s time to move on and moving on is what I am doing. There is insurmountable truth in “He’s just not that into you”. Take that ladies, take it and use it when you think maybe he is scared, or broken, or gun shy. Yes, they may be scared, broken, and gun shy, but only for so long. At some point a man who is truly interested in a woman steps up to those fears and does something about them. Unfortunately, he will someday, with someone worth it to him.

I find myself in an odd spot of self loathing, an “I am stronger than this” attitude, and ‘what is wrong with me / what is wrong with him’ tug of war. I’m going to drive myself insane trying to figure that crap out. What I can figure out is that silence is usually loud and clear. When I stopped ‘trying’ and stopped contacting him, I heard nothing. There was my answer. Passive aggressive? Yes, but we weren’t exactly great communicators with each other.

This is really all I want to say about this right now. I can’t say that I won’t fall into a weak moment while moving on, but where I stand is in giving up on this one.

Fragile--This side up

Damn the rollercoaster of my emotions lately. I am trying to put everything into perspective and not over-analyze and just take things as they come. As much as I say “I’m totally not like a girl”, I totally am in so many ways. In the self-deprecating way, the insecure way, and the unsure way. It totally sucks. Since my last “deep” post, I’ve done a bunch more soul searching, and I can’t figure out what is up or down. One moment, I think I totally know my answer and in the very next moment something happens where I am proven wrong by something telling me to calm my ass down and that what I probably think to be true (which is the worst) is not true and to seriously think about what my inner voice is saying for one goddamn minute. Your inner voice can be your worst enemy by the way.

I try to write as these emotions come, as to document this ride, but sometimes, it’s just too overwhelming and I can’t, so I have to recant after the fact many times. I really need to work on my inner-editor also. This is a document of my emotional process as much as a vent or a rant. Some of you may not understand why I put my emotions on blast like I do, but you don’t need to. It’s just what I need to do for myself.

Yes, my rollercoaster of emotions has everything to do with “that guy”. As I’ve yakked your ear off in many other posts, this is all new for me. This vulnerability of leaving myself open to hurt is messing with my head, my heart, my confidence, and my inner voice. It effin sucks. I honestly don’t remember the last time I let myself be open to hurt and total heartbreak. This is a learning experience as well as a joyful and painful (at times) journey. Painful, not because “that guy” is being hateful or mean, but painful because of the courage it is taking me to stay open, remain patient, and not fall into my old patterns of getting pissed off and banging my head against that huge wall that usually is there to protect me. However hard this process is for me, at least I know I can feel emotions for a man again; that I am not entirely cynical and damaged. For whatever reason this man is worth all the time this has been going on and all the ups and downs in my emotions. Or maybe he is here to teach me how to overcome this very big flaw of mine. This I don’t know, but I enjoy him regardless. I hope in the end of all this, I come out stronger and better, and not more broken and bitter.

Hawaii 5-Uh Oh

I always write about my F’d up dates and what they do, right, but how is it that I never ever F them up myself? Well, I did this one time. Well, I’m pretty sure I have more than once (not in this extreme of a way), but I was thinking about this one instance today, so this is the story you are getting, just so you know that I am human and not perfect. {{Wink}}

There was a brother of a friend of my ex who is totally cute. We got to talking, etc, and I invited him to a bonfire party. He accepted and met me there. We all know that bonfires are pretty laid back; you drink, you talk, roast things over the fire, etc. So on my way to the bonfire, which was at my best friend’s house, I stopped at the liquor store for my drink of choice. At that time, my drink was Vodka and cranberry. As I was perusing the store for the cranberry I came across a shelf of Hawaiian Punch. I stopped and thought about it. (Who stops and thinks about Hawaiian Punch as a mixer?) I haven’t had Hawaiian Punch in forever! I picked it up off the shelf, went to the checkout, and bought the most amazing mixer ever. Um…I couldn’t have been more wrong. What kind of idiot gets Hawaiian Punch to mix with Vodka? This one does.

Back to the bonfire. As I was drinking this sugary and toxic drink, my stomach began to feel more and more like a disaster. Slightly (highly, as I later learned) intoxicated and sugared out, I don’t even know what I was saying to this man, but as I was saying it, I was resting my head on his shoulder. Not in an “awe cute” kind of way, but in an “I don’t feel so well” kind of way. He was a good sport, but I am pretty sure he thought I was nuts. Wouldn’t you? As the night moved on, and a few drinks later, I got a hankering for a snack, thinking I could feel better if I ate something. This horrible sugar stomach was really bothering me, and I wanted it to go away, stat. Someone had donated a huge bag of Combos so I started shoveling them into my mouth. While listening to someone talk about Pizza and other things I didn’t care to hear about, my stomach suddenly churned and became more and more scary. I got up from my chair very calmly and walked into the house. (Later I learned that actually I jumped up, and staggered very quickly into the house). I got to the bathroom; shut the door and projectile vomited red Hawaiian Punch into the toilet. Well, my friend was in the kitchen and she heard everything and came in to make sure I was ok. I was crying my eyes out in embarrassment because my date was still outside and I felt like a total asshole, not to mention I felt like complete shit and totally destroyed her bathroom. And by ‘felt like a total asshole" I mean that I was a horrible date and I felt like I may have actually been dying from sugar and high fructose corn syrup poisoning and that I was not sure I could move from the toilet area.

As I was cleaning her bathroom (remember, projectile vomit), I had to stop to praise the porcelain God a few more times. After everything was out I was still a hot mess, so I decided to just lie down on her couch for a few minutes to gather myself. Well, when I got up from my little rest, it was morning, the room was spinning, and my head was pounding and I was still in the process of my slow and horrible death by sugar. I then realize, again, that I completely left my date by the bonfire to throw up because of what I drank and passed out cold on the couch. Oh My Gawd. I was humiliated! When my friend woke up, she told me about the evening, the parts I couldn’t remember, like shoveling combos into my mouth then throwing them at the three legged opossum we called “Tri-Pod” that lives in her bushes and then making weird donkey noises when her friend was talking about his little dog he called “Little Horsey”. FYI, I know that horses don’t make the same sound as a donkey. Well at least in a sane mind I do. She told me about how I was mumbling while my entire body, not just my head, was resting on my dates arm, not on my date’s shoulder. I was basically using him as a freaking wall. She also made me clean the bathroom one more time, because I missed some spots. I don’t blame her. It was fucking disgusting.

My date apparently ended up staying at the bonfire until 4am. At least he was enjoying himself with my friends. Either way, I felt like a complete douchette. Since that fateful day a few years ago (one I’d like to erase from existence), I have not had a Vodka and cranberry ever again. I know Hawaiian Punch is NOT cranberry juice, but all the same, it makes my stomach wretch with the grittiness of sugar and I have an adverse reaction. In case you were wondering, Hawaiian Punch has 28 motherfucking grams of sugar per 8 oz glass. I can only imagine how many grams I inhaled that night. I don’t even eat sugary things! I don’t know what I was thinking, but hey, live and learn. I did have another tentative date with that guy a week or two later. Good thing he didn’t come to Southwest Detroit for the Cinco de Mayo party. I passed out there too, but for a completely different reason not involving alcohol. I am sure if were there, I’d most certainly go down in history as one of his most crazy experiences ever, if indeed, I hadn’t already.

Ghosts of boyfriends past.

I had an interesting chat with a friend the other night. I needed some venting time and to just talk out some things I had been mulling over for some time. You see, even though I know things with “that guy” that I’ve talked about in several previous posts, will go nowhere, for some reason when I see him; I still get all goofy about him. I needed to talk it out and by actually doing this with a live human being for once I opened up a large can of worms that I never realized resided in my brain.

See, “that guy” is my friend. A nice guy but not someone where I feel I will get any ‘depth’ out of nor a relationship. I’ve realized that a long time ago and am fine with this. My confusion lies in the question: why do I continue to gravitate towards him when we spend time together or I run into him while out on the town? My realization in fact, has nothing to do with this one particular man. It has everything to do with every particular man I have ever gravitated towards.

My friend suggested that I should look to my past for answers. Map out, if you will, all of my past relationships, short and long, and see if there are any similarities and what they could mean for my future. This suggestion hit me suddenly and powerfully. An explosion of fireworks (not a mere light bulb) went off above my head. Holy Hell, I think I understand. As quickly as she said those words I realized that every single one of my relationships with men has had no substance. There was no meat with the potatoes. There was nothing on a deep level. At all.

My longest relationship, my high school and college relationship-- turned psycho ex boyfriend, probably has a lot to do with it, although at this time, I don’t know what that is. But every relationship after him has been an empty shell of a relationship. The man I dated immediately after him, rebound some may say, was this way. This Colombian man spoke virtually no English. How could I learn anything about him other than what he could tell me in basic English and what I could understand in intermediate Spanish?

After the Colombian, I dated another guy for a bit who turned out to have a double life frequenting female escorts and had a secretive ex-girlfriend who was having or had just had his baby. Don’t ask me to tell you how I know these things because he didn’t tell me. I just happened to find out. We even went away for the weekend (before I was introduced to his secret lives) to see his favorite college football team play their home opener and we barely spoke to each other on this trip.

After him, my next boyfriend was good on the surface but he wouldn’t let me into his life of who he was. We saw each other a lot, we talked a lot, and it seemed great…on the surface. With just a small scratch of the fingernail, you’d see that he didn’t know anything about my family, I didn’t know much about his, except they live in Texas, and we never had a deep and meaningful conversation about our lives, how we grew up, our fears and our dreams. After this relationship, every other was eerily similar. And it goes on and on and on. The same story, different guy…each time.

Most recently, I suppose I understand now, the similarities in all these relationships; and your smart…you can see how much they all mirror each other. This is what hit me like a ton of bricks. Holy shit, I choose men who don’t want to or won’t open up to me and therefore I don’t open up to them. It could be the other way around, but for now, I’m going with this theory. My reasoning and thinking is “I don’t want to pry, so I won’t ask too many questions and press them”. In reality, a solid meaningful relationship constitutes having these ‘deeper’ conversations to understand and know one another. A real relationship will consist of these normal conversations you have with your mate. Not just surface conversation. What I want is someone who wants to know my dreams, my fears, and my family, what I am doing when I am not doing anything. The code that I haven’t yet cracked is why I am attracted to those that don’t care about those things. I am thankful “that guy” came into my life. I believe this may be the reason he has, and for that I will be forever thankful—as long as I can change the path that I have been traveling for so long. I’m obviously not close to having all the answers, but I promise myself I am doing some hearty soul searching. Stay tuned. I suspect other discoveries will be unearthed from inside this temple.

Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger -- Wait, yes you are!

I’d like to update the status of my most recent blog post. Remember when I said the last dating situation was normal, but just didn’t work? Can’t remember? Re-Read this. I JUST now received a text message from this guy, like 3 or so weeks after the fact of our last date. As a reminder, our last planned date never did happen. It didn’t happen because I did not want to go sit on his couch and watch a movie with someone I barely know and met off the internet. On Friday, while shopping with a friend, I get a text message. I look, and it’s from this guy. We will call him The Burger King, because that is where he works as a ‘manager’. Surprise to see a text from him I open it. Brace yourselves for what ridiculous sounds like.

Text Transcript:

The Burger King: Hey, I wanted to thank you for showing me how gold diggers act.

Me: Excuse me? I think you are completely misinterpreting what my direct enough words were. I was not comfortable watching a movie in your house. Sooo how that turned into gold digger is beyond me.

The Burger King: You are ok to get drunk in public with me but when the money ran out you ran out of time for me and obviously you had no concern to even text after that.

Me: Enough. Lose my number. I don’t need or deserve this for not compromising what I didn’t want.

The Burger King: Good luck getting more free drinks elsewhere

Now, my comments.

Gold digger? This makes me laugh audibly loud. As any of you know, as my friends, I am the furthest thing from a gold digger. I had no issues with his lack of money. Hell, I have a lack of money, who am I to judge? Second of all, the money ran out? Really? We went on two ‘dates’. I offered to pay my own tab each time. The total of our bills were approximately $50 for the two of us for both dates. The half date we went on was to the park and batting cages, pretty much a free one, and one that I enjoyed. All the lavish gifts and fancy places we went left me so spoiled that I wouldn’t hang out with you on your couch because of the lifestyle I became accustomed to with you. PahLeeeese. Gross. Burger King, go flip some more Whoppers and get a fucking life. Oh, and by the way, I don’t need any luck getting “more free drinks”. I pay for my own and am offered a drink every time I go out. And as for you insinuating I am an alchi, bend over and shove my empty bottle of Tanqueray up your tight ass.

/end rant.

So, dear ones, there is another one that goes down in history for being one of the most eff’ed up situations that happens only to yours truly. I will flip my effin’ lid if he makes another attempt at insult 4 weeks from now.

A new freakin hilarious video from my future husband, Jon Lajoie.

Dating Update by Dateless in Detroit

Remember when I said I joined that free dating website for research purposes? I posted here about that crazy email I got, remember? Anyhow, I did end up on a few dates with one guy from the site. Super nice fella and we had fun a couple of times. The end of our dating streak happened last week when his indecisiveness and my unwillingness to compromise my ‘feelings’ collided.

I guess you can say that it’s not meant to be when this sort of thing happens. I liked him well enough, but I found I wasn’t really into it. We had some fun, didn’t have a whole lot in common, but were able to have a conversation, and he sure did seem to like me a lot. I am not going to go on about how awful he was like in some of my more famous posts, like the bee guy, because he wasn’t awful or weird or insane. He was normal but I wasn’t feeling it. We haven’t communicated with each other in a week, and I’m sure it’s due in part to him making more out of something than he should have. I would have reached out to explain or stroke his broken ego, but like I said, I am not really feeling it anyways, time got away from me, and now it just seems like it’s too late to try to ‘repair’ anything.

Our last scheduled date never happened because basically he was light on cash and couldnt figure out what to do. This was NOT the issue. Let’s get that out of the way now. The issue was that we would have to meet at 9pm or so on a Tuesday night, and there aren’t a whole lot of free dates at that time. He couldn’t come up with something to do, and I didn’t want to suggest something because “light on cash” means something different to a lot of people. I also assumed it meant he didn’t have any cash to spend, which is fine, but there is nothing to do here at night without money.

He was obvious about the fact that he was upset that I didn’t want to spend time on one of our couches and watch a movie. I know this might not be a huge deal to most people, but for me, it’s a personal thing. You’re in my home, or I’m in yours and we barely know each other and we are there and ‘there’ leads to snuggling, etc, and I just wasn’t ready for that with him. Perhaps because I was questioning if I was really interested in taking this more long term; regardless, I was not willing to do this and I wasn’t going to compromise what my decision was. I was also not willing to go meet two of his friends, sit in their house and watch TV. That is even more of a ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ scenario than the one before. So, without plans, we canceled the evening. Neither of us has heard from the other since.

After this happened I started to question myself. Is there a deeper issue? What is the matter with me? There is a perfectly nice man who really seems to like me and want to spend time with me and I let it go. I am starting to wonder if my independence has gotten the best of me. I am self sufficient. I can do everything by myself and for myself, I really don’t need anyone. I am set in my ways, I like my space and I do what I want when I want. This is what happens when one is single for as long as I have been. Am I unwilling to let someone interrupt my self sufficient life? Am I so independent that I can’t let anyone into my home?

After some debating and hashing out with girlfriends I realize that I do need to let myself be less in control when I am trying to let someone in. However, I still will not sacrifice and settle for something I am not completely feeling. I know that when I meet someone that I really like and am ‘into’, I will compromise my ‘ways’ and naturally (without self force) will do things that I wasn’t comfortable doing in this instance. I think it will come naturally when it’s right. When it’s not, it seems forced and contrived and it’s really not fair to either person to pretend. So I didn’t. Stay tuned. There really isn’t any excitement going on with this particular dating site, so I may have to move my efforts elsewhere. Time will tell.

Cheers!

Hey, support my friend, y’all!

There is one local event causing some excitment. New organization, Cancer Rockstar, founded by Meredith Bezak, is holding its Kickoff Fundraiser and Afterglow party at D’Amato’s and Good Night Gracie's in Royal Oak on June 10, 2010.

Cancer Rockstar was launched in February 2010, by Founder and CEO, Bezak, with her Cancer Rockstar partner and college friend Rhiannon Capling. Cancer Rockstar’s mission is to unite cancer fighters with their favorite music artists through free concert tickets, autographed band merchandise, and personalized messages from band members. Additional monies raised by the organization will be donated for cancer awareness, research, and support groups.

The Kickoff Fundraiser will be held at Goodnight Gracie's in Royal Oak at 5pm. There will be a silent auction with all sorts of goodies from local businesses that so generously donated products and services. Even more, the event boasts music to be inspired by from The John Arnold Trio featuring Pathe Jassi.

Can’t make it that early? No problem, there is an afterglow fundraiser starting at 9pm in D’Amato’s Restaurant attached to Goodnight Gracie's. The afterglow will feature more fundraising efforts, including a 50/50 raffle, and a performance from Metro Times Best of Detroit winner Odayin. More music? Of course! Cancer Rockstar would live up to their name. DJ Urban Kris and urban percussionist, Jared Sykes are also on the bill. There is a recommended donation of $20, but not mandatory. I say for all that music; $20 is worth it and helps an amazing cause at the same time. Besides, Goodnight Gracie's has some of the best martini's this side of the Mississippi.

Check out Cancer Rockstar on the web or on Facebook more information, to RSVP to the event, or to donate.

What makes me unique is...

I talked a post or two ago about signing up for a dating website again for research purposes. Well, I thought about it and I signed up. I joined a free one so I wouldn't be pissed that I spent my money on something if it didn't produce the results (good, bad, or crazy) that I hoped for. The free ones are usually the worst but its less time consuming and generally more results driven. I am busily compiling stories, yet I haven't gone on a single date just yet. Most of the emails I receive say only a few words like "Hi" or "How are you?" (without spelling complete words) as if we were chatting in AIM or Yahoo IM. Its odd, really, but there was one email and profile that did stand out and made the grade to share with you.

The email came through one afternoon, and as I read the email, it wasn't very riveting. It was the traditional "Hi". As with all "Hi" emails, I went to the profile to see what this man of little words had to say about himself. I'd like to share verbatim and let you soak it in for a minute.

ABOUT ME IAM A OUTGOIN PERSON I WORK FOR THA CITY OF DETROIT AN I DO SECURITY ON THA SIDE,IAM A MEB.OF A MOTOCYCLIE CLUB BUT DONT TAKE IT THA WRONG WAY WE DO ALOT FOR THA HOOD.SO IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE LETS NETWORK. I LIKE TO SKATE,SKI,GOCART RACEN,SWIM,TAKE WALKS IN THA PARK......MY GOALS ARE TO BE ALL I CAN BE,WHAS MAKE ME UNIQUE IS THAT I DONT HIT WOMEN...AN I LOV ALL MUSIC

Do you need a minute? Thank goodness his unique quality is not hitting women, I almost passed up this gem! Before you ask, no, I didn't respond, although I think a date with this nugget would probably make for a good story, but I am not certain I want to put myself through that on purpose. Stay tuned.